Looking for the ANSWER...

Please note: this was originally posted at my other blog on november of 2006. please see...http://lulu-ahimsa.zaadz.com/blog/2006/11

have been in Kazakhstan for twenty months now…I officially have six months left of my Peace Corps service. This brings many emotions to mind…Part of me is relieved. I am ready to be moving on to the next thing (although at the moment I am waiting to hear from the Rotary International to see if I have won a scholarship, and from two graduate schools I applied to in order to see if I have been accepted, so at the moment, I am not sure what the “next thing” is.) I am ready to be doing something new, especially since things have not been going the best they could here.I was working for an organization which helped crisis centers in Kazakhstan. My problems with this agency were multiple: first of all, they were “grant chasers”. They did not have any interest in developing sustainability, so instead would look around at what grants were available, and then start to work on the issues that the grant was funding. Even if it was not part of their mission statement. With international funding being reduced in Kazakhstan, it is a dangerous practice, and I think many NGO's here will suffer when the major funders start working primarily in Kyrgystan and Tajikistan, and other countries in the region with less natural resources than Kazakhstan. The organization never took the time to integrate me into their work, never had time to meet with me, and essentially gave me “busy work” so that I would stay at the organization. My main function was to show up at events so that I could be pointed to as “our American Volunteer”. I think I gave prestige to the organization.

For a while I was able to kid myself that I was doing things, but everything training I developed, every bulletin I wrote, even if I translated it into Russian, they did nothing, absolutely nothing with. So it finally started to get to me, when I was going into the office every day pretending to have work to do, when I realized, “Why am I pretending?” So now the Peace Corps and I are looking for a new organization for my last six months. I am very relieved. Especially since I was having problems with a woman at my work who liked to sleep on two chairs pulled together in the office after directing me to do various tasks for her (she was not my boss, and I very often did not do as she asked, since I did not want to do her work while she slept).So as far as the work is concerned, I am very ready to be doing something else. I was just having a hard time telling myself that I was doing anything useful.

However, when I think of leaving K-stan, I am absolutely terrified about leaving my girlfriend. Terrified may sound like a strong word, but it is so hard to think that when I leave in May, I am going to be leaving her not knowing how we are going to be together. I think hitting the “six months left” mark has effected (affected?) us both - sometimes at night one or the both of us will begin to cry…so many “What if's…” What if we can't find a way to be together? What if we can't get a visa for her? What if we don't see each other for so long…What if its too hard? Can you imagine being 32 and meeting someone that you fall in love with. It is the first time I have been in love with someone who loved me. Who respected me. Who wanted to be with me. Who was honest and open with her emotions. Who doesn't play games. She is like a tree that grew around my heart, making all of the places that were empty or dead come to life. She makes me want to be a better person. She gives so much love, so much happiness. For the first time in my life, I understand what it means when you say you want to be with someone for the rest of your life. Before, I just didn't believe it was possible. And now, I have to leave Kazakhstan without knowing how we are going to get to be together. I don't want to go on a rampage about the absolute unfairness of the situation.

I have a friend here in Kazakhstan (another Peace Corps Volunteer) and she is getting married in December. As much as I am happy for her, a part of me is angry, railing at the unfairness of it. Why must our legal definitions of marriage be so limited? Or, if its the word that bothers so many, can't we just have something, some word that will allow us to be together, to let immigration allow her to come into the country as my spouse, partner, lover, whatever word they find less offensive? Why are the religious beliefs of some influencing the laws the impact the lives of so many? Marriage is between a man and a woman they say. It has always been this way. But change comes in so many other ways, why must we be stuck in this one? Why does me wanting to spend my life with a woman impact anyone else? How does allowing her into my life mean that a straight couple is somehow less than they were before? It is so frustrating and if it didn't pertain to me at this moment, I would still be absolutely angry about it. But at this moment, it is much worse than anger. It is fear. How will this work? I keep trying to put my faith in the universe that something will happen. We have applied for the diversity visa, and am begging the universe, begging, that they pick her number from the lottery. But what if she doesn't win it? What are we going to do then?I am trying to be present and live in the moment, but it is hard, so hard, when something so important to my future, so essential a human right, is unclear and in danger of being lost.

Does anyone know of anything, any option? I am reaching out to the universe, asking for help. Does anyone have an idea? I am sending it out - all my fear, all my pain, all my uncertainty, all of the love I feel for this woman, and all of the joy and happiness she brings me…I am waiting to see what comes back…..