Love in a time of non-loving ideas...

Please note this blog entry was originally posted on Aug 24, 2006 on my other blog site http://lulu-ahimsa.zaadz.com/blog

I start this blog entry not knowing where it is going, or what it is going to be about. I just felt the need to write today. It has been a hard week for me - trying to bring my lover to America is not going well. If either of us were a man we could already be married and enjoying the wonderful pasttime of dreaming of our future together. As it is, I live in fear, that this, which I have found for the first time in my life, this beauty, will be lost to me because of bullshit that I can not control. I am trying to believe in the Universe and its ability to give me what I need, but deep down I am hoping the Universe believes I need her, because I love her and to lose her would be a little death I feel I am too imperfect to face with any semblance of strength or dignity. I am 32, and this is my first experience with reciprocated love. Not like I expected it at all. Not like the movies (although I hardly expected it to be like the movies). So quiet and peaceful. It's the daily things of love that make me so happy…the millions of ways she shows me every single day that she loves me. I hope that I give her half as much as she gives me…I was teaching her to swim in an Aqua park the other day (Kazakhstan is a landlocked country, and not many know how to swim). The joy on her face when she “got it” for the first time…it made my heart so full…and it is amazing how even when you think your heart is absolutely full, there's always more room. There is so much beauty in loving another person. I have learned an amazing amount about myself in loving her. How to compromise on big things and small. (Where do you want to go on vacation? What do you want for dinner?) I realize that in the past I have been arogant and rude to those around me in my stubborness, in my pride. But stepping back now, I realize that I should save my aggression for the struggles that matter, in the world, and make sure to bring the love and compassion in my heart home. Is it really so important if shoes are left in the middle of the floor? No, but before this could have started an argument with me… I have learned that choices I made in the past were not healthy, and they were made out of fear, or me trying to live up to an image of who I wanted to be, not who I actaully was…I am holding on to the peace that loving her gives me, and although I can not stop being attached to the outcome, I am hoping that my love, my heart, my soul, the beauty and joy that I feel, will motivate the Universe (and the government of some country) to allow me to live with the woman I love…I am putting out into the Universe…let's see what comes back!